Clueless
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: After the runin with the Replicators, Jack now has to deal with the rest of his team and their absurd theories regarding Thor and his interest in Jack. [Oneshot, expect no sequel]


Disclaimer: None of it is mine, and I wouldn't want any of it. Where the hell would I stash away a giant Stargate?

Setting: After Small Victories and before The Other Side, so early season 4. Damn, this means Teal'c has his Facial Hair of Doom. Oh well, can't have everything.

Clueless 

Jack really was getting annoyingly smug about this. "He named a ship after me." He brought this little fact up a lot. Randomly, and out of nowhere. Especially on long walks back to the Stargate from an uneventful mission.

"Indeed he did," Teal'c replied. He was the only one who was willing to reply when Jack got like this.

"And not just any ol' ship. Nope. Most advanced Asgard ship ever built." It wouldn't be so bad if he could just keep the big, smug grin off his face. A bit less bad, anyway.

"Thor seemed very proud of it," Sam commented, realising Teal'c was done talking about the subject.

"Oh, I bet he was. And then you went and blew it up." Jack turned around to give Sam a stern glare. "I can't believe you did that."

Sam just rolled her eyes once Jack faced forward again. She couldn't believe he still hadn't gotten over that. Or maybe he was just annoyed he hadn't been the one to blow it up. Men and their toys. "Just doing my job, sir."

"Yeah, well, I don't think the other Asgard are going to be very happy about it, you blowing up their most advanced spaceship to date. We may have to do a lot of grovelling to get them to help us again. I know I wouldn't like it if someone blew up MY advanced spaceship."

"Correction Jack, YOU have to do a lot of grovelling. You're Earth's representative after all," Daniel said. "Besides, Thor has probably forgiven us already, because Sam did save the Asgard homeworld."

"All the same, we owe the Asgard an apology," Jack insisted. "It's a good thing he likes me, y'know."

Daniel exchanged a look with Sam. She nodded. Go on, grab the opening. "Er, Jack… about Thor liking you." It was something they had wanted to talk about with Jack for a while now. Sam had brought it up one night, when she and Daniel had met up for coffee in the cafeteria. Teal'c had joined them as usual, although he always declined the coffee. He had been the one insisting they tell their team leader. Daniel had been voted the one to do the telling. Sometimes being a linguist just wasn't fair.

"What about it?" Jack asked cheerfully. He sounded like he was about to start whistling.

"Well… don't you think it's a bit, erm, weird?" Daniel asked. Sam and Teal'c had insisted he told Jack about this, because he was Jack's friend, he was the linguist, he was better at the diplomatic stuff… They had just fed him one compliment after another, until Daniel couldn't refuse. He had to do this.

Jack shrugged. "Plenty of people we meet offworld like me. I'm a likeable guy, can't help it."

Daniel bit back a snide remark. "Well, yes, but they don't usually name spaceships after you, do they?"

"Well, no, but…" Jack started to argue.

Daniel cut him off. There was no time for Jack to start arguing now. "He also beamed you up to save him from the Replicators. You. Not the entire team, just you."

"Look, he didn't want to put the whole team at risk. He specifically said that whoever came up, couldn't go down. He just didn't want to kill you guys." Jack replied, turning around. They had stopped walking now.

"Well, yes, but it seems a bit odd. One man against an army of Replicators," Daniel replied.

"He had faith in me. In us. He knew the rest of the SGC would help," Jack said. "And you did. Not in the way I told you to, but you did."

"Yet he chose you to be his warrior in shining armour," Teal'c added.

"Knight, Teal'c. It's knight in shining armour," Jack corrected him, before fully realising what that implied. "And what d'you mean, his knight in shining armour?" He demanded angrily.

Teal'c remained calm as usual. "We simply mean that Thor's interest in you is not like a friend's."

Jack just stared at Teal'c in surprise. "Thor? We are talking about Thor here, right? Grey guy, kinda short, blinks a lot? Are you saying that Thor… and I… and we?" He turned to Sam and Daniel. "We? You think this too?"

"Well, he is acting a bit weird," Daniel said, after a short silence.

"Weird? He's an alien! They're always acting weird! That's why they're aliens! It's what they do!" Jack glared at Sam. "Don't tell me you think Thor's got the hots for me too."

"He did make you the representative of Earth after only meeting you once, sir," Sam replied, not looking him in the eyes.

Jack spluttered. "He likes me! Thinks I'm good at what I do! That doesn't mean he wants to… do stuff with me."

"He named a ship after you. The most advanced ship the Asgard have ever created," Daniel said. "That means something."

"He was just grateful because of all that Replicator stuff," Jack replied, still sounding a bit off balance.

"Sir, that ship was enormous. And very advanced. It must've taken them months to build it. It wasn't something they put together in a few weeks," Sam replied earnestly.

"Which means he was thinking about naming a ship after you for months," Daniel continued. "Even before the Replicators happened. And I still say that beaming only you up is suspicious. He knew he was going to die, he knew you would most likely die as well. Sounds like he wanted to die with you. It's very romantic, if you think about it."

Jack put his hands up. "Okay, look. Look, what if, maybe, very much maybe, Thor IS interested in me, what would he do? He hasn't got any… you know." He waved his hands about vaguely. "And I'm not even touching your idea of romantic, Daniel."

"Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they're not there," Daniel said, glaring at Jack for his last remark. "There are plenty of animals whose genitals are hidden under a fold of skin. For protection."

Sam continued with this. "And we don't know anything about Asgard physiology or their mating habits, sir. Maybe they always use humans in their mating rituals, we don't know."

"Yes, it would explain why humans get abducted by the Asgard," Daniel said. "Maybe something happened to the Asgard that made procreation more difficult."

"But what about the cow mutilation, DanielJackson?" Teal'c asked. "I have read many stories about this practice."

"Er…" Daniel didn't quite know what to say. He had heard about the abductions, but not about the cows. They did that now? Whatever happened to crop circles?

"They probably use them for the barbecue," Jack said. "The one they have after those weird mating rituals you two are talking about." He shook his head. "I can't believe this. Any of this. You're wrong. Very, very wrong." He stalked off, heading to the Stargate. The rest of the team walked after him and continued their journey in silence.

Jack had been mulling it over and over during the walk. Thor couldn't be interested in him. He was a completely different species, for starters. Thor was short, grey, and had big black eyes. Besides, he lived in a completely different galaxy. Talk about long distance. And no matter what Daniel or Carter said about folds, abductions or cows, he was pretty certain Thor didn't have a Little Thor. The idea of Thor being interested in him in anything but as a useful ally was mad. Incredible mad, and yet a small part of him wasn't entirely sure. "Guys?" He asked, and the others looked at him. They had been ignoring him ever since the conversation. "You don't think there are any other aliens interested in me, in that way, right?"

Daniel simply continued to dial as Sam and Teal'c exchanged a look. The Jaffa shook his head, and Sam nodded.

"What? What does that mean? There is one, isn't there?" Jack insisted. If he was going to have the shock of a lifetime, might as well bring it now. He was shocked anyway, couldn't get any worse. "Someone else is interested too. Who is it? One of the snakes? It's not Apophis, is it?" Because that would be just plain sick.

Daniel remained silent as he pressed the final button and the gate swooshed to life. Sam took a look at the colonel, another look at Teal'c and dashed through the gate.

"Teal'c? C'mon, just tell me it isn't one of the Goa'uld," Jack pleased. "Anyone but them."

Teal'c looked at him levelly. "I can assure you, O'Neill, that it is not one of the Goa'uld." He nodded solemnly at Daniel and Jack, before following Sam through the gate.

"Daniel, tell me, please. You owe it to me. If I knew someone was interested in you, I'd tell you," Jack pleaded. He had to know.

Daniel looked everywhere but at Jack. "I'm sorry Jack, but I really think it's up to Bray…" He suddenly realised his error, and tried to cover it up by coughing violently and running through the gate.

"It's Bra'tac, isn't it?" Jack shouted after him. "Just my luck," He muttered to himself as he walked through the gate. "Never should've told him I was easy in the first place."


End file.
